Homo Photosyntheticus

„Dearliiiing, what do you want to eat today?““What do you want?”“I am open for everything. You suggest!” “Okay, Steak?” “No.”“Pasta?”“Nope”“Curry?”“Hmm,  nah.“Braised vegetables?”“Ney.”Chine…Noo!”“AHHHHH!!!!!”

Who doesn’t know these conversations about the daily meal agenda? Similar to the “I don’t have anything to wear”-approaches, respectively “I have nothing to play” for the opposing gender, an analogy for choosing dinner is existent for both sides. Yet, there are 10000 possibilities to conjure an epicurean meal from potatoes, or let them be conjured in a restaurant – cooking is magic.

But the diversity is so vast and one dish alone can’t satisfy all uvulas – that is the actual word for the little fella hanging lazily in your throat. If only there would be one kind of nourishment, which could make all people happy and fully energized, is cheap and wouldn’t lead to tiring discussions. Or in other words: Imagine, humans would use photosynthesis.

Photons are healthy

Right now we are in Mexico City. Due to the high population number and density, the air quality of the mega city is one of the best in the northern hemisphere. This fact is nothing special for the residents of the capital because they produce the vital gas by themselves. Ah, a fresh breeze of air feels good in the lungs.

However, life is not easy in this region. Contrary to the meat-eating plants in the depths of the Brazilian rainforest, humans gain their nutrition from absorbing – drinking – water and do photosynthesis. The difficulties lie in the stomach when there is not enough water to actually lie in the stomachs of millions of people.

Aid agencies such as the Blue Cross, Water Transform Organisation (WTO), World Hydrogen Observatory (WHO), United Nations Interactive Counsel of Efficient Fluids (UNICEF) and Thermo-Hydro Analytic Team Instalment Service Agency of Recurring Emergency Amplification Lobbying Labour Yield Law Omitting Negotiation Governor to Abide Biased Bilingual Research Enforcement Validation Inspector’s Advice Tranquillity of International Organisation Networks (THATISAREALLYLONGABBREVIATION) send water reserves to the ones in need. People in Mexico start to sluice themselves with Tequila, but that leads to more dancing, singing, making love and as a result increased birth rate – which in fact, was the cause of over-population in the first place.

First World Problems

The news about the harsh living circumstances in regions of small or none water reservoirs doesn’t really affect people in 1st world countries. There, privileged citizens take a sip of fresh cold water after waking up and go out on the balcony. Arms up, sun rays coming in and viola – enjoy the breakfast.

After the morning-synthesis mothers kiss their kids goodbye before they leave for school. All the classrooms are darkened by blinds and when any student tries to let some light in, they will be taunted immediately, “No eating during classes!”. The hungry kids have to be patient until they are allowed to go outside of the school to photosynthesize.

In the lunch break, the pupils gather in the “Cantina el Sol” with their respective gangs. The photon-machos always stand in circles around the popular girls. These It-Girls go to solarium more than five times per week to get all the excess liquid out of their body to be skinny and tanned at the same time.

Close by, spoiled kids of elite parents build up their trestles. Expensive transparencies are locked into the frameworks, which look similar to pavilions because students from higher societal levels are advised to only consume filtered sun-rays. Reason number one: The danger of ultra-violet rays will be minimized. Reason number two: The kids just want to brag, for their parents made a horrendously well fortune by selling mirrors or water.

I don’t like that

On the very edge of the place outside the school, hidden in the shadows, stands Bob. This poor kid is an outsider, due to the fact that he rather prefers to play in the dark than with the other students in the bright sunlight. Through the water aversion, Bob consumes more liquids than he can use for photosynthesis. Therefore, he is a bit chubbier than all of his colleagues.

His mother is already desperate and inscribed Bob to the “Water Watchers”, hoping that her son will be changed into something more socially acceptable. These meetings for sun-shy people are specially designed for all who are not able or willing to transform all the water they drink. The organizer and motivation expert from Japan, Ce Lu Lo Se, pledges the efficiency of her methods: “In the country of the rising sun, we had been the first who ate. Today it is still the same!”

From Zero to Syntheses-Hero

The meetings soon show the first positive results and Bob’s mother smiles brightly, although there is no sun in her face at the moment – she ate before. Her son started to leave the flat for 30 minutes three times a day to transform the excessive water in his body. More surprisingly, Bob stepped out of the shadow more often to have fun and even attend outside sports activities. After a short time, the ambitious student advanced to the captain of the synchronized-synthetics team. In his exponentially growing social circle, he soon got the nickname “Solaris”, due to his new sunny nature.

Besides the social growth, also Bob’s grades in school got better. He was able to graduate with highest sun-rays and pursued an academic journey at a renowned University in Sun-Andreas in the field of Photosynthetics. His life turned to the sunny side.

He even started teaching other students. He explains: “Although the process of photosynthesis needs a lot of water, it has benefits in time value for humans. You can eat anywhere and anytime as long as the sun shines. With the help of clever mirror placements, vivid sun-rays can be sent to every possible place. So you can easily enjoy a ray or two, even in the late evening.”

Mysteries of the World

In his studies Solaris, a.k.a. Bob, focalizes all his energy towards the unsolved phenomenon of the Photosynthesis. During his research, he travelled far and wide, from shiny desert lands to the low-sunlight regions in the northern hemisphere. In his expeditions, he made remarkable discoveries, primarily in ancient cultural places in Great Britain. Bob found out that 10000 years ago people erected big circles out of stone for breakfast and dinner rituals. This so-called “Sunhenge” is just one of the countless discoveries of Bob, which eventually led to his worldwide fame.

Five years after his graduation from PhD, Bob wants to celebrate the second wedding anniversary with his beautiful wife Stelar. They already found a babysitter for their son Solaris Junior to observe whether he is attending his meticulous planned sun-hours. Bob heard of a new restaurant which he really wanted to try for a long time. The roof is open and with a special performance the waiters change the foils, so the light enters the room as exotic and spectacular as possible.

He looks at his stunning wife with great anticipation and asks, “Do you want to go to this new restaurant today. You know which one, it is called Photastic?”“No, not really!”“So what do crave for?”“I don’t know. You suggest!”“Okay. Dim Sun?”“No.”“Running Sunlight?”“Nope.”“Synthesis-to-Go?”Hm, no.”“Solar-dú-Mar?”“Nah.”Brightin…” “No.” “AHHHHHHH!!!”

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